Reflections on prayer

So I’m relaxing on Maui this month with family and having some chance to reflect. I feel like i'm going better integrating the life i had here with the life i have now. but more on that later - it's been giving me some time to reflect at least.

Often I pray out of a deeply felt need or frustration over something. I believe God loves praying out of brokenness – Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. But with a little distance from the daily rush of life, I’m realizing that often I just want to feel better about whatever situation I’m praying about. Or I just want it to be easier to live a faithful, ministry focused life. Or I have an agenda of what I would like to see happen and I’m asking God to make that happen. I’m not really seeking what God is doing, or how I can be obedient in this situation or any steps of obedience He wants me to take. I just want it all to go away or find some security or feel better about the way my life is going. Yuck. I wish I could say my motives were nobler.

Perhaps that is why God so often brings up situations or issues that keep me on my knees. If things were actually easy and I felt secure I wouldn’t be there very often because I’d be breezing along thinking I was doing a great job completely ignoring the lessons God was teaching me or the ways He is shaping my character. And I must say, while that way sounds more fun, being kept on my knees generally on a daily basis yields more fruit. Somewhere in the garbled, selfish, not-quite-pure prayers God finds something beautiful in me and what He is doing. And even if I am pushing my own agenda or asking for something that isn’t possible God still works gently into what He wants for me. So I'll keep seeking in my shaky, sporadic, imperfect way.

Reading journals.....

I have loved to keep a journal since I could first write. I have one from about 1st grade when I was apparently very angry at my dad for going on a business trip. All I wrote was, "Papa came home. Stupid Papa came home." Poor guy. Just doing his job and I get upset with him. I have stacks and stacks of those pretty diaries (on the outside, not always so pretty inside I must admit).

"We have heard it with our ears, O God; our ancestors have told us what you did in their days, in days long ago." Psalm 44:2

Now I just use a binder with lots of sections. Like the Israelites told stories and built altars to remind themselves and their children of God's faithfulness, my scribbles are my reminders - of God's faithfulness and all He has done in my life. This is helpful because I am very forgetful. Give me a difficult day and I get all whiny about the uncertainty of life and how I continually feel like a failure in living a godly, loving life. Yet, how can I read about these things without being awed at God's faithfulness?

• In high school, when I loved looking down on my Christian friends and arguing with them He gently drew my heart to Him.
• In college, when I felt lost and confused I found myself with a godly, loving roommate.
  
• When I graduated and headed off to Ukraine, having no idea what I was doing with my life He brought Dave into the picture.
• When we landed in Sarasota not knowing a soul, He raised up a fruitful ministry and loving supporters, colleagues and friends.
  
• When we dreamed of having a house where we could live in community with students we found ourselves with one that we were blessed to live in for 12 years.
• God has blessed us with two wonderful, precious lives to care for and enjoy and another to hold when we get to heaven.
  
• When we needed almost $12,000 to travel with 5 students to Tajikistan He provided every last penny. And brought everyone home safely.
  
• When we sought him through 2 years of wilderness for what to do next he prepared us and provided for us to miraculously get to San Francisco, provide us a place to live, and raise up the Hub out of nothing.
  

The list could go on and on. And on and on. So it seems almost silly that I would look ahead with fear. With a God so faithful to lead and provide in the past, is there any reason He won't continue to do so? Why can't we dream of a house near SF State where we could live in community with students or other mission-hearted people? Why wouldn't God raise up leaders to start small communities that will grow in love and ministry? Why couldn't God place a business near campus that would incarnate gospel values and solidify a missional presence in that community? If we are truly walking in His will, or at least making a sincere effort to do so, why shouldn't I trust Him to provide all we need to live and raise our family?

It might not look like we dream. It might take longer than we would like. It will be a tough fight sometimes. But I'm making sure to jot down my random thoughts and disjointed prayer requests and I'm looking forward to looking back on them years from now and smiling at God's faithfulness and sharing them with our children. Because I'm sure I'll forget by then but I know He is faithful. I'm trying to keep that in mind - being uncertain of the future means it might be better than I expect not the difficulties I fear. The past certainly has been.