Monday, June 27, 2011
The Last Four Years + What's Next
It was about five years ago when I read a book called “Shaping of Things to Come” by Frost and Hirsch and it really shook me up. I have since met Frost and told him that he ruined my life – he said he gets that a lot. He didn’t really ruin my life, but he sure turned it upside down. It was around that time that we were starting to think about what was next for us. We had been with IV for about 10 years and were feeling like we had taken these students as far as we could. We loved what we did and to this day we miss it but it was clear to us that it was time to move to the next thing. The only problem was it wasn’t clear what that next thing was.
But the one thing I did know was it had to be missional. That’s a tough word to define these days as everyone uses that word now. But the best way I have heard it defined was by Frost at a conference I attended. He said missional is when mission is the catalyst and colors the way we do everything else. So we still worship, but our worship is catalyzed by mission. Our community is catalyzed by mission. Too often I have seen worship or the gathering being the catalyst. We do mission because we want more folks at our gathering. We wanted to change our default from that of gathering to one of scattering. My favorite passage has always been Luke 15 and we see a shepherd that leaves the 99 in open country to find the one that has gone astray. Too often we look at that shepherd as foolish for leaving the 99 instead of understanding the heart of the shepherd is to find what is lost.
So we set out to figure out what was next. The obvious first thing was to stay with InterVarsity. We love InterVarsity and everything it has meant in our lives. We specifically looked at New Orleans and Memphis as places that we could fit in. As much as we loved the idea of working in New Orleans specifically we longed for community and there really wasn’t anything there and we didn’t feel we could go alone.
The next thing was Seattle and it seemed like the perfect fit. Some of our best friends had moved out there and there was a need for someone to come and start a church across the street from the University of Washington. We would have a building that was a couple of feet from 30,000 college students. It seemed like the perfect fit – Seattle is a great city that is very unreached, some of our best friends were already there and it was something that we already knew how to do. It seemed perfect.
Without getting into the details, we learned that what looked perfect to us is not necessarily what God wants. To this day I still don’t understand why it didn’t work out but it was a tough blow to take. At that point we thought that we might be done with full-time ministry. Maybe God was saying that it’s time to move on and get jobs and be “normal”. Brook started a business and I spent a lot of time with the kids and we were miserable. We tried but we just couldn’t make it work.
So we started to think about ministry again and got in touch with a great woman in San Francisco that we connected with. San Francisco has always been my favorite place in the world. I used to spend days there as a teenager eating clam chowder in a sourdough bowl and getting lost in this mesmerizing city. It’s also a very unreached and unchurched city which fit into what we wanted to do.
So we went for a visit and spent quite a bit of time in the Russian part of town called the Richmond. It felt like we were walking in the streets of Kiev, with the familiar smells and language that we loved so much. We were ready to move that day and for the most part we did mentally.
If there is one mistake that we made it was that of impatience. We just could not wait any longer and had to go. The prudent thing to do would have been to wait a year, maybe try to build a support team and possibly a team of people to go with us. But we were so excited about finding something to be excited about that we had to get there as soon as possible.
So we did – we packed our stuff and left. Looking back, we really needed to leave Sarasota even if it wasn’t the smart thing to do. We are thankful that our house sold and that things worked out – God was very merciful with us. We had not been very easy to deal with, of that I am sure. But we made it to SF without much of a plan.
We have now been here a little over two years. We have learned quite a bit since our arrival. We have spent an inordinate amount of time finding a way to make it financially here. There is no other way to put it other than it is very, very expensive to live in San Francisco. There was an idea among the Southern Baptists here in San Francisco to start an administration hub to help small churches and church plants and Brook ran with it. The Church Network Hub was born and we have spent close to two years getting it off the ground. We have had some ups and downs but Brook is very good at what she does and she has helped stabilize quite a few churches and help quite a few others get off the ground.
But we still hadn’t figured out what we were going to do. We figured out fairly quickly that as much as we loved some of the people that were working with the Southern Baptists that we just didn’t fit in there. I worked briefly with a non-profit that was started by the SBC but it wasn’t in San Francisco. We looked at starting a church at the college we lived near (SF State) but we ran into a lot of red tape and not a lot of friendly faces among the ministries there.
We were very surprised to find that the San Francisco church scene wasn’t what we thought it would be. For a city that has shunned the Sunday morning church service we were expecting to find a church that has adapted and experimented but what we found was strikingly similar to what we had just left. We found some house church stuff but many of them were struggling to find their place and to reach out to those around them. We have found many wonderful believers here but as one friend put it, there are so many leaders here but not very many followers.
So again we found ourselves struggling to find our place. What is it that we want to do? What do we want to invest our lives in? For the first ten years of our married life it was so easy. Every day we knew what we were called to and for the last four years we haven’t. What seemed so basic at one time became our biggest struggle. So we had to get to the core of what we believe and go from there.
The first thing is we want to get back to investing in individuals. When I look back at my ten years with IV the most important things we did was invest in individual students. We had some good events and all, but in the end, it was our investment in individuals that stand out. Meeting freshmen the first day on campus and investing in them and watching them blossom into Kingdom leaders. The fruit of that investment continues as many of our former students continue to live out what they began in college.
And the best approach that I have seen to invest in individuals and produce leaders is to start what the Tampa Underground calls micro-churches. Micro-churches are exactly what they sound like – small churches. These small churches are intentionally small and relational. The goal is not the gathering but the building and releasing of leaders. The micro-church functions as a church in its worship, community and mission but it is also networked with other micro-churches that have the same DNA.
In other words, we want to see small churches planted that are catalyzed by mission and produce leaders that would plant new small churches.
Each micro-church may be about something different - a different people group, a different neighborhood, a college campus. But each micro-church would be intentionally small, relational and missional.
The second thing we long for is an intentional community. From very early in our marriage Brook and I had always been a part of an intentional community. Our mission trips to the former Soviet Union were always set up that way and we bought a house for the sole purpose of having students live with us. Our desire is to once again be a part of an intentional community that lives a life of mission together.
Finally, we long to be passionate about a people again. There was a time in our lives that we would have done anything for the college students we served. We celebrated birthdays with them, they were among the first to hold our children, we shared in their weddings and we struggled with them as they made hard life decisions. Our hearts were broken more than once but there was no doubt to anyone that knew us that our hearts were given to our students. Our desire is to give our hearts to away again.
As we have struggled to make ends meet here I took a part-time job at a local grocery store. For the most part it was not a good experience but the one thing that sticks out is that amount of Russian speakers I would run into. Every night a different Russian speaker would come through my line and my attention would go straight to them. I would ask where they were from and try to speak whatever Russian I could remember to them. It got to the point where I would look for the Russian speakers each night hoping I would get a chance to talk to a few.
A couple of months ago we received notice that our rent was going up significantly and we were resigned to move. As we talked about where we might want to go we thought about the Richmond district again and over the last few weeks Russian speakers have been on our hearts. A friend of a friend works with Russian speakers in Las Vegas and he was in town and we spent some time with him. We have made multiple visits to the Richmond district and started looking at places there. Two families that we are close with live in the Richmond.
Could it be that God would be calling us to a people that we love in a city that we love? After four years of struggling with the basic idea of who are we called to, could it be that perfect? Needless to say we are a little shaky when it comes to hearing with certainty from the Lord and there are still many questions that remain unanswered. We need to find a place in the Richmond in the next few weeks, it needs to be financially feasible for us to stay in San Francisco, and most important we still have not found the intentional community that we long for. But if we have learned anything from these last four years it is that we have a faithful God that we can trust not just to provide but also to sustain us.
So we are prayerfully moving ahead with the vision to move into the Richmond and give our lives to the Russian speakers there. We have targeted a 30 block area where there are 16,000 Russian speakers to move into and live among. Our desire is to look for a person of peace (Luke 10) and begin investing in relationships in the community with the goal to start a micro-church targeting Russian speakers.
At this point we are asking people to pray for us as we make this move and specifically for the right place to live, the right people to meet and for our financial situation to steady.
We have made the SF Underground Facebook group public and we will be updating it regularly with our progress. You can also learn more about our core values and how you can support us through the Underground.
If you made it to the end of this you are truly a friend of ours. ☺ We are thankful for your friendship and support (even if you didn’t make it all the way through) and we are excited to take this next step with you.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Reflections on St Patrick and his mom
From a missions point of view this is an amazing story. From a mom’s point of view, I really wrestle with the truths here. Having my son kidnapped would be just about the worst possible thing I could imagine happening (and trust me, my imagination relating to terrible things happening to me or my family is quite vivid). I cannot imagine the grief Patrick’s mother must have felt when he was taken from her. I wonder how she got through the next 6 years of wondering what happened, if he was alive, if he was suffering, if she had other children to which she had to relate, no closure…. But as we see, God used this terrible thing in Patrick’s life for a purpose his mother could never have dreamed of. He learned the language of the Irish, their pagan religion and culture and mostly he was humbled, refined in character and learned to pray and listen to God. None of which he could have learned in his comfortable, middle class, British home. Patrick had the courage and integrity to return to a place and a people that had caused much suffering in his life to share the gospel with them. And I believe now he is rejoicing in heaven with the generations of fruit from his obedience.
This story challenges me because it shakes up what I want for my kids. Mostly, I hope they are happy, safe and loved. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with this necessarily and I plan to continue to provide a safe home where they are overall happy, safe and loved. But it makes me consider two things: First, that my desires for my kids to be happy, successful and safe may not be God’s desires. In a real, eternal sense they are not “my” children. I got to carry them in me, nurse them and I get to minister to them for a time but their lives belong to God. He has things planned for them I could never imagine and I likely will walk with them through tough things. My heart is increasingly for them to look to God for their meaning and fulfillment – not my dreams or hope. I hold their precious little lives for these few short years lightly and full of thankfulness.
The second thing this story does is focus my discipleship of them on imparting the tools they need to walk closely with God. Above academics or good manners or cultural literacy or certain skills my heart is for them to have hearts that look to God in everything. Ultimately I want them to be faithful to God’s plan for their lives and have the tools they would need to walk obediently with Him wherever he calls and whatever life brings their way. There is no way I can tell where God will lead them but I’m certain they will need a store of scripture in their hearts, a vision for the big story of redemption God is working out with his people and the practice of seeking God in everything.
I recently asked the kids what part of themselves they were most thankful for. Lilia started with, “My heart because God forgives all the sin in my heart.” Samuel chose, “My mind because it helps me understand God.” They both still have a long way to go in their journey to become followers of Jesus but my prayer is that we can all rejoice in heaven together over what God does in their lives, wherever that leads or whatever joy or pain it might bring to this mother’s heart.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Stringing together the days
The thing that has struck me is how messy it all is. Over and over God makes it clear what he wants from His people. Over and over they not only fail, but fall into complete chaos and depravity. Then He cleans house, picks up the pieces and pushes forward with getting people to know Him. There is a lot of judgment going on but seriously, it looks like we needed it. I suppose it’s easier to see clearly on this side of the story.
Not to mention how long the stretches of time are. The cards we use to memorize a timeline of biblical events has approximate years on some events so I’m seeing time lapses in ways I often miss when reading straight through the narrative. For example, from the time Abram left Ur for Canaan to the time God showed up to make a covenant with him was 9 years. This may not seem like a huge span of time in the scheme of biblical history but being a details person this feels huge. So he and Sarai and all their stuff left the familiar into the unknown and they weren’t even sure what the whole story was. It was another 14 years until Isaac was actually born. I can’t really blame Sarah at this point for pushing the whole Hagar thing and laughing when the angels told her that, at 91, she would be holding her own son when they returned in a year. She had been stringing days together and putting one foot in front of the other in hopes of this promise for over 20 years. Can we blame her for being tired of hoping?
We are just getting to the story of Joseph and his slavery in Egypt. I’m trying to imagine his years of slavery – missing his family, struggling with bitterness towards his brothers, wondering about his father…years of stringing days together and trying to be faithful. We don’t get much insight into his daily relationship with God but there must have been days in Potiphar’s house when he was hopeful that God was doing something (after all, he had those dreams) and some when he despaired and just had to get through the day – all to end up wrongfully in prison for years. We see the whole story and know the end – Joseph put one foot in front of the other, probably not quite sure where this was all going, for over 20 years.
Ah, the parallels with life recently. Personally, I would like to get the messy, uncertain stuff over with more quickly, please. Often, I get weary of hoping. Seems like there was a time, in what seems like another life recently, where my purpose was clear and calling was sure. When I knew where the stringing together of days was headed – or thought I did. The 5ish years since God led us to step back from InterVarsity have been difficult and confusing. I’m good on the big picture (could the kingdom of God come a little faster though?), it’s my little corner that feels messy right now. Dave and I recently sat down to work out a set of core of values that we want to live our life by. Nothing lofty, just the things that will guide some decisions we have to make over the next month or two. Overall, the big picture is clear it’s the little stuff that gets murky for me.
And I am NOT a fan of murky – or messy, or unclear, or uncertain, or not quite sure what tomorrow holds. I’m usually up for a little adventure but would prefer a to-do list for the day with guaranteed results. But like Sarah and Rebekah (who was married to Isaac for 20 years before she had her twin boys) and Joseph I must string days together. Get up, exercise, work, shepherd kids, eat…all the details and ups and downs of life and somehow do that in the face of uncertainty and in the light of God’s promises. I’m hopeful that in the stringing together of days something of beauty is being made. God certainly did something with all that messy stuff in Genesis to bring the world the people of Israel and ultimately a Savior for all. While they were waiting they kept the tents clean, everyone fed and put one foot in front of the other.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Committments
Because the other side of it is that there are days when things just click. When I think I can’t ever love someone an ounce more and I feel so amazingly blessed that someone would put up with me 24/7 for the rest of his life. When he knows me so well it’s eerie and we look ahead with hope. These things sustain the commitment we made and refresh our love for each other. In the good times I remember how amazing marriage is and I’m grateful for sticking out the tough times because ultimately Dave is a better husband than I could have designed before I really understood what marriage entails.
So this got me thinking about my relationship with God. Since Dave and I are called to reflect this beautiful love my misunderstanding at times damages my relationship with God. My biggest weakness here is seeing God as a cause. I’ve always wanted to “change the world” and at 17, one of the things that attracted me to the gospel was this sense of being part of something bigger. Seeing that I was too small to save the world and in fact needed saving myself. This was a calling worth surrendering everything to. This God cared for the weak, saw the plight of the poor, held the whole broken earth in His hands – this was a God I could serve.
And to the best if my abilities, time and treasure I’ve tried to. But here’s the rub – serving God doesn’t always feel like saving the world or being part of some big, grand cause. Sometimes the sacrifices feel too great and the path seems winding and foggy and not at all like doing something exciting and redeeming. Sometimes it’s drudgery, exhaustion and frustration. Sometimes it feels scary and uncertain and not at all what I expected when I started on this path.
So I find myself getting back to the heart of what it means to follow God. To follow God when I am not happy with where He’s brought me in life and not happy with His silence or the way He is answering my prayers. It’s significantly different than marriage because He is perfect and Dave, for all his wonderfulness, isn’t. But my relationship with God is similarly broken and in need of a reminder that when I gave my life over to Jesus 19 years ago this month it wasn’t to a cause or institution, it was to a Person. A kind, loving, sovereign God who sees a big picture I don’t see. A God who wants to give me life abundant and calls me friend. A God who cares less what I accomplish to save the world and more that I just keep loving Him and pointing others to Him in my own broken way. This is a God to stick with. How thankful I am for His love.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Another Beginning...
I’ve always loved the beginning of things. There’s something about the endless possibilities that intoxicates me. During my days with IV the fall was my favorite time of the year. Dreaming about new possibilities on campus, meeting new students, months of plans now ready to begin to take shape.
So it is with this same excitement that we mark the beginning of a new movement here in San Francisco: Underground:San Francisco.
As most of you know we are planting a campus-centered church at San Francisco State called Matrix. Matrix isn’t a traditional church but instead we envision a group of micro-churches planted in living spaces and by affinity groups. It is a slow process that will be built on relationships, planting one micro-church at a time. We have started meeting people on campus and have quite a few contacts that we are cultivating.
But the Underground is not a church - it’s a network of churches. The original Underground is located in Tampa and they planted a new network in St. Petersburg, FL. There are plans to start new networks in Germany, Haiti, Manilla and San Francisco. Find out more here…http://www.undergroundglobal.org/
Our working definition for Underground:San Francisco is as follows…
Underground:San Francisco is a network that encourages and equips ministries first and foremost. Our goal is to be a support system for SF ministries in every way possible. We offer our network to encourage, support, equip, relate and empathize. We desire to provide leadership, direction and resources for the network but exist to serve the micro-churches, not to be served.
San Francisco is a unique city. It’s divided into neighborhoods that each has their own unique culture. It’s not a one-size-fits-all kind of city. San Francisco requires relational time and effort. Because of this we believe that San Francisco is the perfect place for a web of micro-churches that are connected yet autonomous. San Francisco is a difficult place to do ministry and through the Underground we desire to create a community that equips, encourages and supports those who do mission here San Francisco.
The purpose of the Underground is both church planting and missional community. As a friend puts it, we long to find the cracks and crevices that have been missed in our city and release mission into those places while maintaining community with those that are sent out.
In other words, the Underground will inspire individuals to mission, connect individuals to missional communities, empower communities to discover and obey their God given mission and equip and release those communities into mission.
I am renewed by the idea of inspiring, connecting, empowering, equipping and releasing. For a while I felt a bit lost, not really knowing what my role was in the big picture. But today I am excited and motivated by this new challenge.
One of the things I love about the Underground is that its main purpose it to bless, not receive. There are no fees, dues or any sort of financial commitment from the micro-churches. With that comes the challenge sustaining a long-term director for the Underground. San Francisco is not a cheap place to live and we understand that sacrifices will be made in order for us to be here. But we believe the benefits of seeing missional communities released into this great city far outweigh the sacrifices we make to live here.
We have started a non-profit called the Church Network Hub which we launched a little over a year ago and is doing well. We believe the Hub will continue to grow and allow us some financial flexibility but we still need to supplement that income to make a livable wage in San Francisco.
So we are in search of partners that will support the work of both Matrix and the Underground here in San Francisco. All funds will go to cover salary and expenses and are tax deductible.
We are looking into other methods of giving, but for now checks can be mailed to…
Tampa Underground
Underground:San Francisco in the memo line
1300 E. 7th Ave
Tampa, FL. 33605
We are trusting God in this new endeavor and believe He is faithful.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Reflections on prayer
So I’m relaxing on
Often I pray out of a deeply felt need or frustration over something. I believe God loves praying out of brokenness – Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. But with a little distance from the daily rush of life, I’m realizing that often I just want to feel better about whatever situation I’m praying about. Or I just want it to be easier to live a faithful, ministry focused life. Or I have an agenda of what I would like to see happen and I’m asking God to make that happen. I’m not really seeking what God is doing, or how I can be obedient in this situation or any steps of obedience He wants me to take. I just want it all to go away or find some security or feel better about the way my life is going. Yuck. I wish I could say my motives were nobler.
Perhaps that is why God so often brings up situations or issues that keep me on my knees. If things were actually easy and I felt secure I wouldn’t be there very often because I’d be breezing along thinking I was doing a great job completely ignoring the lessons God was teaching me or the ways He is shaping my character. And I must say, while that way sounds more fun, being kept on my knees generally on a daily basis yields more fruit. Somewhere in the garbled, selfish, not-quite-pure prayers God finds something beautiful in me and what He is doing. And even if I am pushing my own agenda or asking for something that isn’t possible God still works gently into what He wants for me. So I'll keep seeking in my shaky, sporadic, imperfect way.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Reading journals.....
"We have heard it with our ears, O God; our ancestors have told us what you did in their days, in days long ago." Psalm 44:2
Now I just use a binder with lots of sections. Like the Israelites told stories and built altars to remind themselves and their children of God's faithfulness, my scribbles are my reminders - of God's faithfulness and all He has done in my life. This is helpful because I am very forgetful. Give me a difficult day and I get all whiny about the uncertainty of life and how I continually feel like a failure in living a godly, loving life. Yet, how can I read about these things without being awed at God's faithfulness?
- In high school, when I loved looking down on my Christian friends and arguing with them He gently drew my heart to Him.
- In college, when I felt lost and confused I found myself with a godly, loving roommate.
- When I graduated and headed off to Ukraine, having no idea what I was doing with my life He brought Dave into the picture.
- When we landed in Sarasota not knowing a soul, He raised up a fruitful ministry and loving supporters, colleagues and friends.
- When we dreamed of having a house where we could live in community with students we found ourselves with one that we were blessed to live in for 12 years.
- God has blessed us with two wonderful, precious lives to care for and enjoy and another to hold when we get to heaven.
- When we needed almost $12,000 to travel with 5 students to Tajikistan He provided every last penny. And brought everyone home safely.
- When we sought him through 2 years of wilderness for what to do next he prepared us and provided for us to miraculously get to San Francisco, provide us a place to live, and raise up the Hub out of nothing.
It might not look like we dream. It might take longer than we would like. It will be a tough fight sometimes. But I'm making sure to jot down my random thoughts and disjointed prayer requests and I'm looking forward to looking back on them years from now and smiling at God's faithfulness and sharing them with our children. Because I'm sure I'll forget by then but I know He is faithful. I'm trying to keep that in mind - being uncertain of the future means it might be better than I expect not the difficulties I fear. The past certainly has been.