The difference 15 years makes

It feels hard to believe but it was about 15 years ago when we felt the tug of our hearts towards the college campuses of Sarasota. We didn't know what we were getting into or where it would lead, we just knew that there were students who weren't being reached and that we were willing to step out to do something about it. Over the next 10ish years, we saw God raise up dozens of students as Bible study leaders, led several on the path to following Jesus who hadn't been there before, traveled overseas with students multiple times, found a huge house to live with students as well as provide for all we needed over those years.

So now we are looking at engaging in similar pioneer work at a campus here in a new city. We know God has been at work there and will continue to be and we are taking similar steps of faith - not sure what it will look like, who it will involve or how our needs and the needs of the ministry will be met. But taking steps of faith like this when we are in our late 30's feels quite different from our early 20's. Here are some of the differences I'm (Brook) noticing these days:

The stakes feel higher Doing something crazy when you are just married and only responsible for yourself felt a little different that when you have two kids. The responsibility for those little lives and the fact that our choices impact them weighs heavily on me sometimes. Pursuing this path may mean a smaller college fund, less summer camps, less travel, maybe less opportunity. I often lay hands on their peaceful heads as they sleep at night and wonder about those things. Dave often reminds me that, "If we are about the right things, our kids will see that." Living a little on the edge reminds me what is important to teach my children - to take steps of faith and respond to God's leading. If they learn that, the lack of swimming lessons doesn't seem like such a big deal. I don't believe their lives will lack adventure and I'd rather them see lives lived faithfully and in obedience than have the best the world can offer. But I often hate that I have to make tough decisions and frequently say "no" to things I wish I could say "yes" to.

To some extent, I have a more realistic picture of ministry life When i was 22 and just married, hopes and dreams came easily. I had grand pictures of what a fruitful ministry could look like and what it would be like to live like a missionary. In some ways, the real joys of ministry have surpassed what I expected. The joy of praying with someone to receive new life or seeing God do miracles to provide for tremendous need can't be surpassed by any success the world offers. On the other side, the battle has often been more intense than I expected. A broken heart at someone I've come to love make bad choices or seeing someone I've prayed for for years continue to turn away from God's drawing have almost been too much to bear at times. So the deeper picture comes with both happy anticipation and fear. God is still the same God that did miracles then and there is no reason to doubt Him now. I've been praying for God's dreams and deep, genuine love for the people of San Francisco and specifically this campus will surpass any fear that might take root in my heart. I can no longer live off youthful enthusiasm, God has to grow a deep love for His people and purposes. A love that surpasses the fear of failure or hurt. I believe He can do this.

I care less about what other people think. This is something God has been breaking me of for quite a while. In the early days of getting on campus and introducing myself to people, I equated them liking be with being receptive to the gospel. Older and wiser, I feel more and more that I can take myself out of the picture and just keep praying Jesus shines through. Before I was a follower of Jesus, one of the things that attracted me to a faith community was the freedom to love my friends seemed to feel. I'm praying that this will be attractive to those who are lost we might meet in this community.

I feel like we are living on the edge - we can't see what the future holds. But I'm doing my best to embrace that fully. Even as I grow older and lose much of the idealism of my youth, I never want to become too security-centered and fearful to take steps where God is leading. He has been faithful all these years, there is no reason to believe things will change now. It just looks a little murkier from this side of 35 than from the other side. :)

A change in tone

So I've been reflecting on a couple things lately (this is Brook writing). One is making this blog a more honest reflection of what ministry, and more specifically ministry in San Francisco, is like on a daily basis. Having written LOTS of prayer letters and update emails over our many years of ministry, the inclination is always to share the good stuff - the progress we are making, the vision God has given us, the ways He has provided, the needs we have. But as many of us know, there is another side to ministry...and parenting...and life. The daily ups and downs, the doubt about where God is leading, the embattled feeling. I've been reading a friend's blog who writes about parenting a special needs child and while her situation is different from mine, I find myself drawn to her honesty and encouraged by the hope she finds in the daily ups and downs of her life. Maybe because it affirms what I've been realizing with stunning clarity the last month - things will not be better this side of heaven. Not that we don't heal, or we don't have hope, or we don't experience joy. But that the sooner I accept that there isn't some magic super-spiritual place where I'm going to make all the right choices and never lose my temper and never get discouraged the less disappointed I will feel when my day doesn't go well or I fail at being the woman of God I feel called to be.

We all put our best face forward for each other so I often look around and think everyone else must be sliding through life effortlessly, what's wrong with me? I was on my knees the other night after a tiring day when I felt i had failed at the most basic task of just being kind to my sweet husband and sweeter children. I asked God to take some pressure off, give me a break, make it easier somehow. Then I felt His comforting hand and He asked me, "Are you better than everyone else that I should make things easy? How else do I get you here with Me?" It was humbling. I want to stay in that place without the hard stuff but I'm seeing that isn't possible. When things feel easy, I don't pay much attention to God.


So now I'm wondering if more of us were like my friend who blogs so honestly about her journey as a mom we wouldn't feel so alone. We still expect God to answer prayers and have praise requests to report but maybe I'll share some other parts of the roller coaster ride that is church planting. And perhaps in the process, we will all look forward to heaven more when every tear will be dried, every burden lifted, every wound healed and every dream fulfilled. And many of the lost friends and neighbors we work and pray and weep over will be there with us. What a glorious day that will be.

Supporting the Matrix @ San Francisco State

Thank you for your interest in supporting the Matrix at San Francisco State. Brook and I are excited to get this new ministry started and we are less than two months away from freshmen arriving on campus.

As someone that has signed up to support us in one way or another, we wanted to share with you four different ways you can help.

1. Pray for us – There is quite a bit to be done between now and then and I wanted to fill you in on a couple of prayer requests.

· Please pray for a way for us to be on campus without having to go through a bunch of red tape. Whether that is by joining up with another group already on campus or some other way, it’s vital that we find an “in”.

· Pray that we meet freshmen that are willing to host in the dorms. We are hoping to start at least one group in every living space (dorms and apartments) and finding freshmen willing to host a group is crucial.

2. Join our team - If you are local, let us know if you can help or know someone that can. We are praying for a local team to work with us, both students and non-students. To start, we are looking for people willing to lead groups in the dorms.

3. Send a team - We are looking for mission teams that would come and help with events on campus. August 19^th would be a great time to be here to help with freshman move-in day. Also, if you know anyone locally that might be able to volunteer or help, please let us know.

4. Support financially – Much like our days with InterVarsity, we are looking to build a team of supporters that will give to enable Dave to be on campus as much as possible. Our goal is to raise $4000 per month. If you are able to give monthly or a one-time gift please let us know. Our local sending church has set up a fund for us so all donations will be tax deductible.

Page Street Church

238 Chester Ave.

San Francisco, CA. 94132