The difference 15 years makes

It feels hard to believe but it was about 15 years ago when we felt the tug of our hearts towards the college campuses of Sarasota. We didn't know what we were getting into or where it would lead, we just knew that there were students who weren't being reached and that we were willing to step out to do something about it. Over the next 10ish years, we saw God raise up dozens of students as Bible study leaders, led several on the path to following Jesus who hadn't been there before, traveled overseas with students multiple times, found a huge house to live with students as well as provide for all we needed over those years.

So now we are looking at engaging in similar pioneer work at a campus here in a new city. We know God has been at work there and will continue to be and we are taking similar steps of faith - not sure what it will look like, who it will involve or how our needs and the needs of the ministry will be met. But taking steps of faith like this when we are in our late 30's feels quite different from our early 20's. Here are some of the differences I'm (Brook) noticing these days:

The stakes feel higher Doing something crazy when you are just married and only responsible for yourself felt a little different that when you have two kids. The responsibility for those little lives and the fact that our choices impact them weighs heavily on me sometimes. Pursuing this path may mean a smaller college fund, less summer camps, less travel, maybe less opportunity. I often lay hands on their peaceful heads as they sleep at night and wonder about those things. Dave often reminds me that, "If we are about the right things, our kids will see that." Living a little on the edge reminds me what is important to teach my children - to take steps of faith and respond to God's leading. If they learn that, the lack of swimming lessons doesn't seem like such a big deal. I don't believe their lives will lack adventure and I'd rather them see lives lived faithfully and in obedience than have the best the world can offer. But I often hate that I have to make tough decisions and frequently say "no" to things I wish I could say "yes" to.

To some extent, I have a more realistic picture of ministry life When i was 22 and just married, hopes and dreams came easily. I had grand pictures of what a fruitful ministry could look like and what it would be like to live like a missionary. In some ways, the real joys of ministry have surpassed what I expected. The joy of praying with someone to receive new life or seeing God do miracles to provide for tremendous need can't be surpassed by any success the world offers. On the other side, the battle has often been more intense than I expected. A broken heart at someone I've come to love make bad choices or seeing someone I've prayed for for years continue to turn away from God's drawing have almost been too much to bear at times. So the deeper picture comes with both happy anticipation and fear. God is still the same God that did miracles then and there is no reason to doubt Him now. I've been praying for God's dreams and deep, genuine love for the people of San Francisco and specifically this campus will surpass any fear that might take root in my heart. I can no longer live off youthful enthusiasm, God has to grow a deep love for His people and purposes. A love that surpasses the fear of failure or hurt. I believe He can do this.

I care less about what other people think. This is something God has been breaking me of for quite a while. In the early days of getting on campus and introducing myself to people, I equated them liking be with being receptive to the gospel. Older and wiser, I feel more and more that I can take myself out of the picture and just keep praying Jesus shines through. Before I was a follower of Jesus, one of the things that attracted me to a faith community was the freedom to love my friends seemed to feel. I'm praying that this will be attractive to those who are lost we might meet in this community.

I feel like we are living on the edge - we can't see what the future holds. But I'm doing my best to embrace that fully. Even as I grow older and lose much of the idealism of my youth, I never want to become too security-centered and fearful to take steps where God is leading. He has been faithful all these years, there is no reason to believe things will change now. It just looks a little murkier from this side of 35 than from the other side. :)